Submitted by Melody Land, MACP, Licensed Counselling Therapist
Bluemind Counselling & Consulting
www.bluemindcc.com [email protected]
Has someone ever told you to “calm down”? If so, how did it go? My guess is, probably not great. When we are feeling anxious, overwhelmed, angry, sad, any big emotion we just can’t seem to control, being told to calm down is probably the last thing on the list of things that help.
When we experience big feelings in our lives, or have had a history of things like people pleasing, burnout, stress, or trauma, your brain and body work together to try and make you safe. It activates a “threat detection system”.
For example, imagine you’re walking through a forest and suddenly a T. rex appears and starts running toward you. Your body’s threat response happens almost automatically:
Bluemind Counselling & Consulting
www.bluemindcc.com [email protected]
Has someone ever told you to “calm down”? If so, how did it go? My guess is, probably not great. When we are feeling anxious, overwhelmed, angry, sad, any big emotion we just can’t seem to control, being told to calm down is probably the last thing on the list of things that help.
When we experience big feelings in our lives, or have had a history of things like people pleasing, burnout, stress, or trauma, your brain and body work together to try and make you safe. It activates a “threat detection system”.
For example, imagine you’re walking through a forest and suddenly a T. rex appears and starts running toward you. Your body’s threat response happens almost automatically:
- Detection – Your brain notices the dinosaur and recognizes it as an immediate danger.
- Fight-or-flight response – Your sympathetic nervous system activates, releasing hormones such as adrenaline.
- Physical changes – Your heart beats faster, your breathing speeds up, your pupils widen, and more blood is directed toward your muscles. This prepares you to act quickly.
- Fight or flight – Your brain rapidly evaluates your options. You might run away (flight) or, if escape seems impossible, attempt to defend yourself (fight).
- Freeze – You might also temporarily freeze, especially if the threat is sudden or overwhelming. This can give your brain a moment to assess what is happening.
- Recovery – Once the dinosaur is gone and you’re safe, the parasympathetic nervous system helps calm your body. Your heart rate and breathing gradually return to normal.
Nowadays, we don’t have dinosaurs running around trying to eat us. However, we do have other threats. Some threats are physical, like being in a fight, being abused, living through a time of war, not having enough to eat, or a safe place to live. Some are emotional, like grief and loss, being verbally attacked, conflict, or being abandoned or let down. In short, if you are a person who would describe yourself as having anxiety, people pleasing, having a quick temper or short fuse, being a perfectionist, the list goes on, chances are, you have a threat detection system stuck in overdrive.
However, there is something you can do to help yourself whether you are experiencing a temporary big emotion or live a life in threat detection mode. It’s actually not a huge thing at all, it’s easy to do, and will almost always help (especially if you practice it often). It’s called nervous system regulation.
The phrase can sound a little clinical but the basic idea is actually pretty simple. (And it isn’t telling yourself to calm down!)Your nervous system (the threat detection centre) is constantly taking in information and deciding: Am I safe right now, or do I need to protect myself?
It does this mostly outside of our conscious awareness. Your heart rate changes. Your breathing shifts. Your muscles tighten. You become more alert. Or, when things feel safe, your body can soften. You can breathe more deeply. You can think more clearly. You can connect with other people.
This is where regulation comes in. Regulation starts by listening to your body, understanding what it is saying, and then responding to it with appreciation, communicating to it in a way it can understand that it is safe.
Nervous system regulation isn’t about being calm all the time. That’s an important distinction. We are human beings, not meditation apps. We’re going to get frustrated, overwhelmed, excited, angry, scared and sad.
The goal isn’t to never feel those things. It’s to have more capacity to move through them.
Think about the difference between being completely hijacked by a stressful moment and being able to notice, “Okay, I’m really worked up right now. I need a minute.”
That minute matters.
Sometimes regulation looks like taking a few slow breaths. Sometimes it’s going for a walk, stepping outside, running up and down a flight of stairs, talking to someone you trust or getting enough sleep. Sometimes it’s eating a proper meal instead of running on coffee and adrenaline.
And sometimes, honestly, regulation looks like crying.
There’s also something important we don’t talk about enough: you can’t always regulate your way out of a situation that is genuinely stressful.
If your job is crushing you, your relationship doesn’t feel safe, you’re constantly worried about money, or you’re carrying more responsibility than one person can reasonably hold, your nervous system isn’t necessarily “dysregulated” because you haven’t done enough breathing exercises.
Sometimes your body is responding appropriately to what’s happening around you.
That doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do. It means we should be careful about turning nervous system regulation into another thing we have to be perfect at. We already have enough of those.
The more useful question is not, “How do I make myself calm down?” The question to ALWAYS ask yourself is “What is my body trying to tell me right now?”
And once you listen, the next step is to answer.
For more information, to ask questions, or to learn more about listening, and answering, to what your body is telling you, feel free to reach out!
Simple Ways to Start NSR
When you feel anxious or overwhelmed:
When you feel angry or activated:
When you feel tired or shut down:
For everyday regulation:
However, there is something you can do to help yourself whether you are experiencing a temporary big emotion or live a life in threat detection mode. It’s actually not a huge thing at all, it’s easy to do, and will almost always help (especially if you practice it often). It’s called nervous system regulation.
The phrase can sound a little clinical but the basic idea is actually pretty simple. (And it isn’t telling yourself to calm down!)Your nervous system (the threat detection centre) is constantly taking in information and deciding: Am I safe right now, or do I need to protect myself?
It does this mostly outside of our conscious awareness. Your heart rate changes. Your breathing shifts. Your muscles tighten. You become more alert. Or, when things feel safe, your body can soften. You can breathe more deeply. You can think more clearly. You can connect with other people.
This is where regulation comes in. Regulation starts by listening to your body, understanding what it is saying, and then responding to it with appreciation, communicating to it in a way it can understand that it is safe.
Nervous system regulation isn’t about being calm all the time. That’s an important distinction. We are human beings, not meditation apps. We’re going to get frustrated, overwhelmed, excited, angry, scared and sad.
The goal isn’t to never feel those things. It’s to have more capacity to move through them.
Think about the difference between being completely hijacked by a stressful moment and being able to notice, “Okay, I’m really worked up right now. I need a minute.”
That minute matters.
Sometimes regulation looks like taking a few slow breaths. Sometimes it’s going for a walk, stepping outside, running up and down a flight of stairs, talking to someone you trust or getting enough sleep. Sometimes it’s eating a proper meal instead of running on coffee and adrenaline.
And sometimes, honestly, regulation looks like crying.
There’s also something important we don’t talk about enough: you can’t always regulate your way out of a situation that is genuinely stressful.
If your job is crushing you, your relationship doesn’t feel safe, you’re constantly worried about money, or you’re carrying more responsibility than one person can reasonably hold, your nervous system isn’t necessarily “dysregulated” because you haven’t done enough breathing exercises.
Sometimes your body is responding appropriately to what’s happening around you.
That doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do. It means we should be careful about turning nervous system regulation into another thing we have to be perfect at. We already have enough of those.
The more useful question is not, “How do I make myself calm down?” The question to ALWAYS ask yourself is “What is my body trying to tell me right now?”
And once you listen, the next step is to answer.
For more information, to ask questions, or to learn more about listening, and answering, to what your body is telling you, feel free to reach out!
Simple Ways to Start NSR
When you feel anxious or overwhelmed:
- Take 5 slow, deep breaths
- Go for a short walk
- Listen to calming music
- Stretch your body
- Drink some icy cold water
- Talk to someone you trust
When you feel angry or activated:
- Take a break from the situation
- Do some physical activity
- Shake out your arms and legs
- Count slowly to 10
- Take slow, deep, belly breaths
- Spend a few minutes somewhere quiet
When you feel tired or shut down:
- Get some sunlight
- Move your body gently (rocking, patting, rubbing or tapping)
- Wash your face with cool water
- Listen to upbeat music
- Talk with a friend
- Eat a nutritious snack
For everyday regulation:
- Get enough sleep
- Exercise regularly
- Spend time outdoors
- Maintain regular meals
- Practice mindfulness
- Connect with supportive people
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