Submitted by Melody Land, LCT, www.bluemindcc.com
Most of us grow up learning about grief without ever really talking about it. We lose a beloved pet, maybe a grandparent. We observe our parents, family members, and even our whole community experiencing loss and how we cope often reflects what we see. Often-times, even most of the time, it is incredibly uncomfortable and so we avoid, push it aside, and definitely try not to talk about it. Maybe during the funeral, a few expressions on a Facebook post, and then we move on, right?
Here’s the kicker that often surprises us: grief is not only about death.
People grieve divorce, illness, lost friendships, estrangement, moving away, job loss, addiction, trauma, lost dreams, and changes in identity. We grieve the lives we thought we would have. We grieve people who are still alive. We grieve communities, relationships, routines, and even versions of ourselves. Even losses related to changes we would consider “good”, like buying a new home or getting a new job, can cause grief.
I meet people in my practice who come in without words for what they are feeling. They aren’t sure why they are feeling off, having uncomfortable emotions, difficult mental health symptoms, or sometimes having certain physical health issues. Something I’ve discovered time and time again that often what I am witnessing is layers of unidentified, unexpressed, incomplete, grief. We hear little sayings from childhood: “Be strong.” “Keep busy.” “Time heals all wounds.” “Everything happens for a reason.”
People usually mean well when they say these things. They are trying to comfort us, or maybe trying to make us feel less alone. But for many people who are grieving, these messages do not actually help. In fact, they can sometimes make grief feel heavier. Sometimes they can actually cause harm.
When we don’t fully allow ourselves to feel our grief (and instead replace it with some of the myths we will discuss below) we can get stuck in something called “incomplete grief”, which can have long-term, lasting effects.
The book, The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman talks about what they call the “myths of grief”. These myths are ideas many of us were taught, but they are lessons that can make it harder to heal after loss. Here are six common myths about grief and why it may be time to rethink them.
Myth #1: Don’t Feel Bad
From the time we are little, many of us are taught to avoid painful feelings. If a child falls down, someone quickly says, “You’re okay!” before the child even decides whether they are okay. If someone is grieving, people rush in with silver linings or encouragement meant to cheer them up. Grief does not disappear just because we try to push it aside. Sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, loneliness, numbness — these are all normal human responses to loss. Feelings are not problems to solve. They are signals that something important happened. Trying not to feel grief often just means carrying it longer. Sometimes healing begins not with fixing the feeling, but with finally allowing it to exist.
Myth #2: Replace the Loss
Another message many people hear is that they should quickly replace what they lost. After a divorce, someone says, “You’ll find someone else.” After the death of a pet: “Just get another one.” After job loss: “At least now you can move on.” Here’s the reality: people and experiences are not interchangeable. A new relationship does not erase the pain of an old one. Another dog is not the same dog. A new chapter does not cancel the hurt from the last one. Moving forward is possible, but pretending a loss can simply be swapped out often leaves people feeling unseen. Grief asks to be acknowledged before we rush to replace it. And even if what you are moving from, and moving into, is a positive thing, it doesn’t mean the change isn’t hard. It doesn’t mean the hurt from before stops existing.
Myth #3: Grieve Alone
Many of us were raised to believe grief should stay private. You’ve probably seen it, or done it yourself. People disappear into work, isolate themselves, cry behind closed doors. They apologize for being emotional. They worry about being “too much.” I remember my Nanny coming home from my grandfather’s funeral, letting out a strangled sigh and saying “Well at least I got through it without crying.” Especially in rural communities like our incredible Albert County, there can be a strong culture of toughness and independence. People pride themselves on carrying on. Grit and determination is admirable and incredibly valuable, don’t get me wrong! But grief is heavy to carry completely alone. Humans heal in connection. That does not mean everyone needs to share every detail publicly. But having even one safe person, one honest conversation, or one place where you do not have to pretend can make a tremendous difference. Sometimes the bravest thing a person can say is simply: “I’m not doing okay.”
Myth #4: Be Strong for Others
This one sounds noble, and sometimes it is necessary in moments of crisis. Parents still need to care for children. People still have responsibilities. “Be calm and carry on” has its place. However, many grieving people become so focused on protecting everyone else that they never allow themselves space to grieve. Instead, they become the organizer, the helper, the calm one, the strong one and their own pain quietly waits in the background. Real strength is not pretending nothing hurts. Often, real strength is honesty and vulnerability. It allows children to see healthy emotions. It is admitting when you are struggling. It is accepting help instead of always giving it. Being human is not a weakness.
Myth #5: Time Heals All Wounds This may be one of the most repeated phrases about grief. And yes, I’ve even said it myself. The reality: you can lose someone at 20 and still feel grief at 60. You can still remember a conversation, a smell, a song, or a moment decades later. Unspoken grief does not magically disappear because enough calendar pages pass. The truth is, while time can soften some pain, time alone does not heal everything. Time passing isn’t a signifier of healing, it’s how you use that time that does the healing part. Talking. Processing. Being witnessed. Baring witness. Expressing emotion. Finding meaning. Allowing ourselves to remember instead of avoiding the memory. These are all healing actions. Healing requires action, not just endurance.
Myth #6: Keep Busy When people are grieving, they are often encouraged to stay distracted. Clean the house. Go back to work. Get a hobby. Stay productive. Keep moving. You’ve heard all of the suggestions too, I’m sure. Routines can help and activity can be healthy. However, constant busyness can also become a way to avoid pain. When busyness replaces emotion, when we try to fill the empty space with activity, we are bound to run into trouble. Most people discover that grief catches up eventually — often in quiet moments when distractions disappear. A person can stay busy for years and still carry unresolved heartbreak underneath. Rest matters. Reflection matters. Grieving matters. We are not machines meant to power through loss without stopping.
Maybe We Need Better Conversations About Grief
One of the hardest parts of grief is how alone people can feel inside it. It often isn’t because others don’t care, or because we don’t care for others, but because many of us were never taught how to talk about loss honestly. And that’s not your fault, or anyone else’s.
We try to cheer people up instead of listening. We offer advice instead of presence. We rush people through grief because discomfort makes us nervous. We don’t always know a different way.
Where we can start is remembering that grief is not something to “get over.” It is something people learn to carry differently over time, sometimes through relearning, sometimes through experience, sometimes even through getting help from others.
As we are all on a grief journey (and we all are, in one way or the other), one of the most healing things we can offer each other is permission to be real, to remember that not every grief story has a neat ending, and that no one should have to feel ashamed for grieving.
Remember, grief is not a sign that something went wrong. It is often a sign of something that went gloriously right. It is often a reflection of love, connection, hope, and the deep human reality that what matters to us also has the power to hurt when it changes or disappears. In my opinion, that is not weakness at all. It’s what it means to care deeply.
And nothing makes us stronger than being brave enough to truly care.
Most of us grow up learning about grief without ever really talking about it. We lose a beloved pet, maybe a grandparent. We observe our parents, family members, and even our whole community experiencing loss and how we cope often reflects what we see. Often-times, even most of the time, it is incredibly uncomfortable and so we avoid, push it aside, and definitely try not to talk about it. Maybe during the funeral, a few expressions on a Facebook post, and then we move on, right?
Here’s the kicker that often surprises us: grief is not only about death.
People grieve divorce, illness, lost friendships, estrangement, moving away, job loss, addiction, trauma, lost dreams, and changes in identity. We grieve the lives we thought we would have. We grieve people who are still alive. We grieve communities, relationships, routines, and even versions of ourselves. Even losses related to changes we would consider “good”, like buying a new home or getting a new job, can cause grief.
I meet people in my practice who come in without words for what they are feeling. They aren’t sure why they are feeling off, having uncomfortable emotions, difficult mental health symptoms, or sometimes having certain physical health issues. Something I’ve discovered time and time again that often what I am witnessing is layers of unidentified, unexpressed, incomplete, grief. We hear little sayings from childhood: “Be strong.” “Keep busy.” “Time heals all wounds.” “Everything happens for a reason.”
People usually mean well when they say these things. They are trying to comfort us, or maybe trying to make us feel less alone. But for many people who are grieving, these messages do not actually help. In fact, they can sometimes make grief feel heavier. Sometimes they can actually cause harm.
When we don’t fully allow ourselves to feel our grief (and instead replace it with some of the myths we will discuss below) we can get stuck in something called “incomplete grief”, which can have long-term, lasting effects.
The book, The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman talks about what they call the “myths of grief”. These myths are ideas many of us were taught, but they are lessons that can make it harder to heal after loss. Here are six common myths about grief and why it may be time to rethink them.
Myth #1: Don’t Feel Bad
From the time we are little, many of us are taught to avoid painful feelings. If a child falls down, someone quickly says, “You’re okay!” before the child even decides whether they are okay. If someone is grieving, people rush in with silver linings or encouragement meant to cheer them up. Grief does not disappear just because we try to push it aside. Sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, loneliness, numbness — these are all normal human responses to loss. Feelings are not problems to solve. They are signals that something important happened. Trying not to feel grief often just means carrying it longer. Sometimes healing begins not with fixing the feeling, but with finally allowing it to exist.
Myth #2: Replace the Loss
Another message many people hear is that they should quickly replace what they lost. After a divorce, someone says, “You’ll find someone else.” After the death of a pet: “Just get another one.” After job loss: “At least now you can move on.” Here’s the reality: people and experiences are not interchangeable. A new relationship does not erase the pain of an old one. Another dog is not the same dog. A new chapter does not cancel the hurt from the last one. Moving forward is possible, but pretending a loss can simply be swapped out often leaves people feeling unseen. Grief asks to be acknowledged before we rush to replace it. And even if what you are moving from, and moving into, is a positive thing, it doesn’t mean the change isn’t hard. It doesn’t mean the hurt from before stops existing.
Myth #3: Grieve Alone
Many of us were raised to believe grief should stay private. You’ve probably seen it, or done it yourself. People disappear into work, isolate themselves, cry behind closed doors. They apologize for being emotional. They worry about being “too much.” I remember my Nanny coming home from my grandfather’s funeral, letting out a strangled sigh and saying “Well at least I got through it without crying.” Especially in rural communities like our incredible Albert County, there can be a strong culture of toughness and independence. People pride themselves on carrying on. Grit and determination is admirable and incredibly valuable, don’t get me wrong! But grief is heavy to carry completely alone. Humans heal in connection. That does not mean everyone needs to share every detail publicly. But having even one safe person, one honest conversation, or one place where you do not have to pretend can make a tremendous difference. Sometimes the bravest thing a person can say is simply: “I’m not doing okay.”
Myth #4: Be Strong for Others
This one sounds noble, and sometimes it is necessary in moments of crisis. Parents still need to care for children. People still have responsibilities. “Be calm and carry on” has its place. However, many grieving people become so focused on protecting everyone else that they never allow themselves space to grieve. Instead, they become the organizer, the helper, the calm one, the strong one and their own pain quietly waits in the background. Real strength is not pretending nothing hurts. Often, real strength is honesty and vulnerability. It allows children to see healthy emotions. It is admitting when you are struggling. It is accepting help instead of always giving it. Being human is not a weakness.
Myth #5: Time Heals All Wounds This may be one of the most repeated phrases about grief. And yes, I’ve even said it myself. The reality: you can lose someone at 20 and still feel grief at 60. You can still remember a conversation, a smell, a song, or a moment decades later. Unspoken grief does not magically disappear because enough calendar pages pass. The truth is, while time can soften some pain, time alone does not heal everything. Time passing isn’t a signifier of healing, it’s how you use that time that does the healing part. Talking. Processing. Being witnessed. Baring witness. Expressing emotion. Finding meaning. Allowing ourselves to remember instead of avoiding the memory. These are all healing actions. Healing requires action, not just endurance.
Myth #6: Keep Busy When people are grieving, they are often encouraged to stay distracted. Clean the house. Go back to work. Get a hobby. Stay productive. Keep moving. You’ve heard all of the suggestions too, I’m sure. Routines can help and activity can be healthy. However, constant busyness can also become a way to avoid pain. When busyness replaces emotion, when we try to fill the empty space with activity, we are bound to run into trouble. Most people discover that grief catches up eventually — often in quiet moments when distractions disappear. A person can stay busy for years and still carry unresolved heartbreak underneath. Rest matters. Reflection matters. Grieving matters. We are not machines meant to power through loss without stopping.
Maybe We Need Better Conversations About Grief
One of the hardest parts of grief is how alone people can feel inside it. It often isn’t because others don’t care, or because we don’t care for others, but because many of us were never taught how to talk about loss honestly. And that’s not your fault, or anyone else’s.
We try to cheer people up instead of listening. We offer advice instead of presence. We rush people through grief because discomfort makes us nervous. We don’t always know a different way.
Where we can start is remembering that grief is not something to “get over.” It is something people learn to carry differently over time, sometimes through relearning, sometimes through experience, sometimes even through getting help from others.
As we are all on a grief journey (and we all are, in one way or the other), one of the most healing things we can offer each other is permission to be real, to remember that not every grief story has a neat ending, and that no one should have to feel ashamed for grieving.
Remember, grief is not a sign that something went wrong. It is often a sign of something that went gloriously right. It is often a reflection of love, connection, hope, and the deep human reality that what matters to us also has the power to hurt when it changes or disappears. In my opinion, that is not weakness at all. It’s what it means to care deeply.
And nothing makes us stronger than being brave enough to truly care.
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